Cars, cheep

A chick wanders in with a mobile phone and drops it in from of Kara.

'Cheep'

'A phone?'

"Cheep, cheep'

'for Kaspar, why on earth would you want to give Kaspar a phone?'

"Cars, cheep'

'Oh, don't encourage him, Ommy B, he is obsessed enough as it is'

'Cheep cheep'

'Ok, if you think you can explain it to him'

'Cheep'

Aunty Kara?

'Aunty Kara?'
<tack tack tack>
'Aunt Kara?'
<tack, tack tack>
'er, Kara?'
'Yes, Omelette Breakfast?'
<tick tick tick>
'Oh for heaven's sake, yes Ommy B?'
<the chick pushes a cardboard package towards Kara'
'Well, what do you want me to do with it child?'
<on examination it appears that the package has been impossible to open for a small chick, Kara pries it apart with her beak>
'Thank you Au... Kara'
'Wait one moment child, what is that shiny thing?'
'Er nothing?'
'It is a very smooth and shiny nothing child'
'Er it might be an iPad Kara?'

Kara deals with the chicks

<Kara lands in front of the chicks, she is weighed down with items>

'Right, Famous Olympic Breakfast, this is yours. Learn how to read it today. I will expect you to read it to me tomorrow.'

<She hands the nearest chick a large book- the chick passes it to the chick behind and cheeps at Kara>

'Ok, Sundae Breakfast then, you can have this map. Learn the symbols and what they mean. I will expect you to be able to plan a route for me tomorrow.'

<She hands the chick a GB Road Atlas - the chick passes it to the chick to its left and cheeps again at Kara>

'Ok, ok so you are Omelette Breakfast then?'

'Cheep'

'Then you get the phone. Learn how it works, I want you to be using the internet on it tomorrow.'

'Cheep-cheep'

'No, not using your mother's credit card, she shouldn't have a credit card.'

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Still at home with Kara

<the sound of cheeping, sniffling, and the occasional muffled sob>

tack, tack, tack, tack TACK

<Kara is losing the very small amount of patience that she is endowed with>

'Enough!'

With a swoop she vanishes to the other end of the nest. Kandy looks up in horror.

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At home with Kara

'Kandy, just leave them. If you respond to every single cheep they will never acheive anything in life. You are nurturing birds of prey, not mice.'

'But they sound so lonely, Kara'

'There are three of them Kandy, they can't be lonely'

'But without their mummy..?'

'Just let them cheep, they will shut up eventually.'

But they may become insecure and damaged and turn into hooligans?

'And if you go to them, they will become insecure and manipulative and turn into hooligans. Just shut up and sit down Kandy!'

<The sound of sniffling mixes with the distant sound of cheeping.>

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At home with Kara

Tack tack tack

'You can't stay'

'But Kara, Klaudia is unbearable, she expects me to wait on her! I am trying to feed my babies, I'm an abandoned mother!'

Tack

'Kara, I know how you feel..'

Tack

'Please, just for a night?'

Sigh.

Harvey Nicks

er Kara?

Oh what is it Kaspar,can't you see I'm busy?

I was just wondering where you got your kiddie?

Don't be stupid Kaspar.


Sorry, darling.

<sound of pages turning>

Kara?

YES, Kaspar.

Where did you get it darling?

Harvey Nicks you stupid feather-brain. Now leave me in peace to pick it some autumn clothes.


Sorry, darling, some autumn..?

OH FOR GOD'S SAKE KASPAR, IT NEEDS AN AUTUMN/WINTER 11 WARDROBE, JUST LET ME READ THIS BODEN CATALOGUE IN PEACE FOR 10 MINUTES!!!!


yes darling.

Oh!

‘Kara?’

‘?’

‘Are you there, my love?’

‘Can you not talk normally Kaspar? What are you, a vole or something?’

‘Oh, sorry darling. Something awful is happening darling’

‘Oh what this time Kaspar? Insufficient grey Citroens on the central reservation?’

‘No, darling ,really awful. I think Kolin is running away’

‘Well, that doesn’t surprise me, has he come to his senses and gone to follow Kjell at last?’

‘Oh’

‘Well what did you expect you idiot, he has that awful domineering Kandy who thinks that the height of class is naming her chicks after menu items in a cafe; he can’t even enter his own nest!’

‘Oh’

‘She is unbearable, he adored her for years and she just treated him like an earthworm’

‘Oh’

‘So it is hardly surprising that he disappears at the first sign of real love, is it- don’t be so bloody dense Kaspar’

‘Oh’

‘And stop saying ‘oh’ like an idiot’

‘yes darling’

‘er darling, what is that on your ankle?’

‘It is my kiddie string Kaspar, don’t be stupid’

Rabbit korma, revisited

<tack tack tack tack tack tack tk tk tkttktktk>

'Ah yes, Kara, here it is, your er.. rabbit korma'

<rustle rustle>
<pause>
<rustle rustle rustle>
<longer pause>

'Kolin, this item is a plastic box that has once contained rabbit korma, and now no longer Contains.Rabbit.Korma'

'Ah, yes Kara, about that little matter..you see Kaspar said he thought it would be a jolly idea to play a little j..'

<Kolin is cut off mid sentence>

'Krrreeeiikkkiiikkkkkkl k k k '

<the sound of feathers upon air, beak upon feathers, rending and swallowing>
<the sound of a sharp intake of breath>
<the sound of vigorous choking>
<pause>
<the sound of a small child attached to a piece of string, attached to the ankle of a red kite, attached to a red kite; being sicked up by a furious but entirely separate red kite>

Morning

'Good morning Kara- I was er.. looking for..Kasp...'
<tack>
'Oh, over there? yes I see'
<chilly silence>
'Er, should I scrape him off, do you think?'
<the silence lengthens>
'Er no then, I er..'
<and lengthens>
'I'll be getting along then shall I?'
'Just shut up and get me a rabbit Kolin'
'Oh er yes, right away..er. Kara?'
'YES'
'You're perched on my string, Kara'

Kara, my sweet

<tack tack>

..Kara my sweet? is that you?

<tack tack, tack tack>

...Kara?....darling?....

< tack, tack, tack>

Kara

'KASPAR!!!!!!      '


'KASPARR!!!!!!    '


' You promised me dinner you BASTARD!!!!!!   '


<silence except for the sound of cars>


<very gradually, over the noise of the traffic, the sound of a claw tapping against metal is heard>

<tack tack tack tack tack>

Kara is home.