Leads

`What are you wearing Kolin?'
'I found it'
'You found it where?'
'On the amuse bouche'
'It sparkles, Kolin'
'It does, doesn't it? much prettier than a string'
'What is the metal bit on the end?'
'That is where it clipped to the amuse bouche'
'There was another glittery thing, but I ate it, I thought it was a garnish'

And once more, fluff

 <tack, tack, tack>
'Is something wrong, Kaspar?'
'What could possibly be wrong, Kolin'
'It is just that you keep looking at the bit of fluff in my beak?'
'Really?'
'Do you think..?'
'Do I think what?'
'Do you think it could have been from the amuse bouche?'
'The amuse what?'
'The amuse bouche, Kaspar. It was just a morsel, like in the picture'
'The picture.'
'In the magazine'
'Aah'
'But it didn't have the fluff in the picture; it was the same size through and it was carried by a waitress'
'And was it moving?'
'Oh yes, it was moving a lot'
'Amuse bouche don't normally move, Kolin'
'Do they bark?'
'No Kolin'
'Oh'

Fluff still

'Where did the fluff come from, Kolin?'

'The fluff?'

<sigh> 'In you beak, Kolin'

'Is there fluff in my beak?'

'Yes, Kolin'

'Where did that come from?'

' I DON"T KNOW KOLIN, THAT IS WHY I ASKED YOU!'

Fluff

'What is that in your beak, Kolin?'
'Er, dunno. What is it in my beak Kaspar?'
'It appears to be fluff, Kolin'
'Fluff?'
'Fluff'
'Fluff?'
'Definitely fluff'
'It must be fluff then, Kaspar'
<heavy sigh>

The Kjelling

'So where did you say Kjell was Kolin?'
'Writing'
'He's what?'
'Writing'
'Writing what, writing why, writing how ?'
'Stories about policemen, he said. In woollen jumpers'
'And the why and the how?'
'He says everyone at home is doing it, and he doesn't want to miss out'
'And the how?'
'He has one of those little boxes the drivers have, he talks to it and it makes writing, and sends it somewhere'

Brain Cleaning

‘Kjell says we can stop at the next Services’

‘ mmmrchgh’
‘Kaspar, are you really holding him up with your beak?’

‘mmmpjrh’

‘Gosh, that must be hurting him rather’

‘MMMMFJAJEOFAMGGGHHHHH’

‘Ah, and it’s hurting your beak?

‘MMMMMMMFFFFFFFFKJJJKDFKH!’

‘Well, we’re nearly there now. I must say I didn’t expect him to struggle so much, it was lucky we found all that stripy plastic to wrap him up in’

‘MMPH’

‘Kjell says down there’

‘MMPGH’

<the sounds of a very, very undignified landing>

< Kjell takes off again, and comes back with a bucket full of rather dirty water. He upends it over the heap of feathers and police accident tape that sits between Kaspar and Kolin. There is a lot of noise>

‘Kjell says that should clean his brain out again, they have washed his sense away, and now he has washed their nonsense away’

<The three kites wait while the noise subsides, Kjell then gingerly pecks at the blue and white tape. Eventually Kant, bedraggled and miserable sits in a heap of tape. He cheeps feebly, though it must have been a long time since he was a chick. Kolin affectionately butts beaks with him. Kant cheeps a bit louder, croaks a bit, and then takes a big breath and starts swearing.

Bundle!

A complex tussle of feathers and talons ensues. At some point the Stick of Straightening becomes involved in the bundle, and is then ejected violently. Eventually, a mass of kite rises jerkily up and heads with erratic but gathering speed towards the north.

Brother Kone watches from a nearby bridge. Once the others are out of sight, he flaps slowly down to retrieve the Stick of Straightening. He then returns sadly to his perch on the bridge

Swept Away!

‘There he is Kaspar!’

‘What on earth is he doing with that stick, Kolin?’

'Han rikta in kottar'

‘Kjell says he is putting the cones in straight lines’

‘Oh,..ah’

'Vi maste alla flyga mot honom i en V-formation. Kaspar maste ta hans narmast vagkanten vingen, och du hans offside, och jag kommer att lyfta underifran.'

‘Kjell says you need to grab his wing’

‘Oh, ah. Ok then’

'Gå!!'

<The sound of three kites swooping, one in a precisely controlled, and perfectly judged manoeuvre, two falling over each other after him>

Which strand of pasta?

The three kites reach Spaghetti Junction, and settle near a traffic camera. Kaspar assumes the position. As soon as he is occupied Kolin and Kjell gently preen each other.

'Kafka?'

The camera moves up very slowly, Kaspar hangs on.

'Which bit? where are we going?'

Cone Father II

'wshp n venrt th cn fther'

'A little clearer, young disciple, SING your veneration!'

'wosp n vert th con fathr'

'We can't take the shackles off and give you a new apron until we know you belieeeeve'

Sounds of muffled swearing.

'I Worship And Venerate The Cone Father
I Worship And Venerate The Cone Father
I Worship And Venerate The Cone Father
I Worship And Venerate The Cone Father'

'Ok young disciple, onto the Penances now!'

Sounds of further muffled swearing.

We return to Penrith

The kites turn to the display board, it reads:

SPAGHETTI JUNCTION

Kaspar looks at Kolin, who looks at Kjell. Kjell shrugs, and takes off heading south. The others follow.

Near Penrith on the M6

'Yes I know I am asking again Kafka, but Kolin and Kjell say I have to'

Once again, Kaspar is hanging uncomfortably from his talons, upside down on a traffic camera.

'Well, anyway, he is a big kchick, er chick and they think he was taken by one of the cults, do you know where he could be?

Inevitably, the camera moves up and down, Kaspar falls off.

Catching up

'Så hur hittade du oss?'

Kolin translates :'Er, how did you find us then Kaspar?'

'Oh Kafka tracked you down'


'Oh ah, Kafka, mm.. the cameras, I hadn't thought of that'


Kolin translates for Kjell: 'Hans fru far är en galen kontroll freak som använder kameror för att titta på hela motorvägsnätet'

Kjell stares into the distance, thoughtfully.

'So..er', Kolin starts,'how is Kandy?'


Kaspar looks vaguely puzzled.


'And the chicks?'


Kaspar jumps.


'Oh Kandy! Kara told Klaudia to move in with her after Khant was khidnapped, sorry kidnapped'


'What?!'


'Oh Kafka said he was taken by the Cone Father cult'


'He WHAT?!'


'But Kolin, Kara's got a kiddie!'


'NO!'


Kolin rapidly translates for Kjell.


Kjell looks mildly surprised. As the viewpoint retreats it can be seen that Kolin and Kjell have matching kiddies, on very new, smart leather strings.

Found

Two kites perch side by side on a (vegetation wrapped) standing stone, watching the sun approach setting time..

'Fancy en kanin, älskling?'

'I don't mind if I do, pet. How about the sunny bank again?'

'Ja, jag tror att korta beskurna området i toppen, älskling' 

'Who's that coming up the road?'

'Jag tror att det är hunad en, min söta'

 

'KASPAR!!!'

'KOLINNN!!'

The three kites spend the remaining daylight performing delighted aerobatics, and afterwards go for a rabbit.

*note. Kjell's comments may or may not be translatable, bearing in mind he is Swedish, and the typist is not.

Kafka

Kaspar is hanging upside down looking into a traffic camera.

'Kafka?'

He hangs for a while.

'I feel so stupid doing this. Kafka, I am going to assume you are there'

He shifts his grip, and takes a breath.

'Kafka, I know this is silly but can you find Kolin? Kara says he left with Kjell. I just want to know where he is, and if he is ok'

He shifts his grip again.

'Can you let me know if you heard me?'

The camera moves very slightly up and down. Kaspar falls off.

Pastures new?

Kolin and Kaspar are perched uncomfortably over a battered book.

‘“Hej härliga kite” that is what he said Kaspar’

‘Ok, slowly Kolin, H, h h h... here it is... Hej means hello, Ha, ha har.. harliga means .. oh. It means ‘lovely’, and kite means kite by the looks of it.’

‘So he said.. “hello lovely kite”’
“I guess so Kolin, I mean I might have got the wrong page or something, we could do it again?’
‘No, Kaspar, that’s fine, thank you’

‘Was there more, Kolin?’
‘Well, he said  “min kärlek” at the end sort of, what about that?’
“Ok,  M M m min, here it is ‘my’, that is quite easy isn’t it, we could have guessed that one eh Kolin?’
‘I guess so Kaspar’
‘Ok K k k kar ..karlek, oh. That means ‘darling’ ‘
‘ So he said, “Kolin, my darling”’
‘Er yes, that appears to be the size of it, sort of, if you see what I mean er..’
‘Which way is north, Kaspar?’
‘Oh along the motorway, but Kolin..’
‘ See you around Kaspar’

Oh, that's where you've been

You could have told me, Kaspar.
What is that on your ankle?

Marshmallowings

‘Kandy my love?’

<happy sigh>
 
‘Yes, Kolin’

‘Can I come in? My marshmallowings?, Can I?’

<happy sigh>
 
‘Of course you can darling, they are <big sigh> gorgeous’

‘Oh thank you liquorice-tail, thank you’

<chilly silence>
 
‘What is that piece of string Kolin?’

‘But darling they are beautiful’

<very very chilly silence>
 
‘I said, What Is That Piece of  String, And Why Is It Attached To Your Ankle? Kolin’

“That’s my kiddie, Kandy; don’t you remember? <hurriedly> What shall we call them, fructose-feathers? ’

‘They have names Kolin, they also have a home, you do not. OUT!’

‘But my sucrosity, let me explain..’
 
‘OUT. NOW’

Honeytalons?

‘KOLLINNNNNN’

‘Yes, honeytalons?

‘Something has happened’

‘What had happened, my fudgefeathers?’

‘Three things, Kolin, they’re... beautiful...’

‘Can I see? Candyflossclaws? please?’

‘Have you washed Kolin?’

‘I’m going now my toffeedropness- back in a second’

KOLLLINNN!

KOLINNNNNNNNNN!’

‘Yes, candytoes?’

‘Something is happening!!!!!’

‘What, maplesyrupbeak?’

‘One of the eggs is cracking, Kolin!!!!’

‘Oh let me see, Candarel™feathers, pleease’

‘Have you washed, Kolin?’

‘No, my sweet’

‘When you have washed Kolin, then you can approach the nest’

‘Yes, my saccharinity’