Still at home with Kara

<the sound of cheeping, sniffling, and the occasional muffled sob>

tack, tack, tack, tack TACK

<Kara is losing the very small amount of patience that she is endowed with>

'Enough!'

With a swoop she vanishes to the other end of the nest. Kandy looks up in horror.

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At home with Kara

'Kandy, just leave them. If you respond to every single cheep they will never acheive anything in life. You are nurturing birds of prey, not mice.'

'But they sound so lonely, Kara'

'There are three of them Kandy, they can't be lonely'

'But without their mummy..?'

'Just let them cheep, they will shut up eventually.'

But they may become insecure and damaged and turn into hooligans?

'And if you go to them, they will become insecure and manipulative and turn into hooligans. Just shut up and sit down Kandy!'

<The sound of sniffling mixes with the distant sound of cheeping.>

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At home with Kara

Tack tack tack

'You can't stay'

'But Kara, Klaudia is unbearable, she expects me to wait on her! I am trying to feed my babies, I'm an abandoned mother!'

Tack

'Kara, I know how you feel..'

Tack

'Please, just for a night?'

Sigh.

At home with Khlaudia and Kandy

A warm and very cosy nest.

'Khan you pass me another tissue, dharling?'

'No I bloody can't Klaudia, I'm trying to feed my chicks'

'Kchicks!! Oo Oo Oo I remember when little Klimt and Potassia khad a brother..Oo Oo my life is over'

'Ok, ok here you are, have the bloody box, when is that Kevin visiting?'

'Oh dharling, I dhon't know, khe did say khe would be khere at 2 but khe may khave been khidnapped or khnocked out of the sky or...Oo oo oo'

'I tell you what, I'll just go and see if I can see him shall I?'

Kandy disappears with a large flannel blanket. The sound of muffled cheeps and then much-laboured wing beats is heard above the continual sobbing and wailing.

Khant

Ooh Khandy, have you seen Mr Khevin?

No Klaudia, why?  Look at little Olympic Breakfast ™, aren't her talons growing beautifully?

Yes, they are Khandy, but I need to talk to Mr Khevin, something awful has happened!!!

What, Klaudia? Have you lost a consonant somewhere?

Oh very funny Mrs-no-khusband; I have lost a KCHICK, A KCHICK do you khear me????

What do you mean Mrs-no... A Chick? You have lost a chick? Which one darling?

Just get Mr Khevin, please Khandy. My little Khant... my poor little Khant..

Stay there with the kchc oh damn chicks Klaudia, I'll be back in a minute

Oh!

‘Kara?’

‘?’

‘Are you there, my love?’

‘Can you not talk normally Kaspar? What are you, a vole or something?’

‘Oh, sorry darling. Something awful is happening darling’

‘Oh what this time Kaspar? Insufficient grey Citroens on the central reservation?’

‘No, darling ,really awful. I think Kolin is running away’

‘Well, that doesn’t surprise me, has he come to his senses and gone to follow Kjell at last?’

‘Oh’

‘Well what did you expect you idiot, he has that awful domineering Kandy who thinks that the height of class is naming her chicks after menu items in a cafe; he can’t even enter his own nest!’

‘Oh’

‘She is unbearable, he adored her for years and she just treated him like an earthworm’

‘Oh’

‘So it is hardly surprising that he disappears at the first sign of real love, is it- don’t be so bloody dense Kaspar’

‘Oh’

‘And stop saying ‘oh’ like an idiot’

‘yes darling’

‘er darling, what is that on your ankle?’

‘It is my kiddie string Kaspar, don’t be stupid’

Kitelings

‘Khan I come in dharling?’

‘Khlaudia?’

‘Yes, dharling it is me, how did you guess?; I have some mice for you and the little ones’

‘Oh Khlaudia, that is very thoughtful, they are almost chewing my feathers off, do come in’

‘Ooooooooh DHARLING, they are beautiful- you must be soooooo proud, and so relieved.’

‘Relieved?’

‘None of them look like Kholin, dharling, it could have been so awful...’
‘Well, there was..’

‘What are their names dharling? I chan khelp you choose!’

‘Ah, no Khlaudia, they already have names- I picked them out days ago’

‘OOh dho tell dharling, dho tell!!

‘ Well. the little one at the back, he is Sundae Breakfast™, the pretty girl on the left is Omelette Breakfast™, and the big boy at the front is Famous Olympic Breakfast™; aren’t they just perfect?’

‘Very, er innovative dharling, where dhid you get the inspiration for such unusual names?’

‘ Oh I just saw them written down with some pretty pictures somewhere, they were just what I wanted, something different. you know?’

‘ Yes, dharling, they are just that- have you told Kholin?’

‘ No, he still has that stupid toy of his- you know the one I mean?’

‘ I do dharling, I do’

‘ There is no way he is coming near my little darlings with that stinking thing attached to him, they could catch something!’

Marshmallowings

‘Kandy my love?’

<happy sigh>
 
‘Yes, Kolin’

‘Can I come in? My marshmallowings?, Can I?’

<happy sigh>
 
‘Of course you can darling, they are <big sigh> gorgeous’

‘Oh thank you liquorice-tail, thank you’

<chilly silence>
 
‘What is that piece of string Kolin?’

‘But darling they are beautiful’

<very very chilly silence>
 
‘I said, What Is That Piece of  String, And Why Is It Attached To Your Ankle? Kolin’

“That’s my kiddie, Kandy; don’t you remember? <hurriedly> What shall we call them, fructose-feathers? ’

‘They have names Kolin, they also have a home, you do not. OUT!’

‘But my sucrosity, let me explain..’
 
‘OUT. NOW’

Honeytalons?

‘KOLLINNNNNN’

‘Yes, honeytalons?

‘Something has happened’

‘What had happened, my fudgefeathers?’

‘Three things, Kolin, they’re... beautiful...’

‘Can I see? Candyflossclaws? please?’

‘Have you washed Kolin?’

‘I’m going now my toffeedropness- back in a second’

KOLLLINNN!

KOLINNNNNNNNNN!’

‘Yes, candytoes?’

‘Something is happening!!!!!’

‘What, maplesyrupbeak?’

‘One of the eggs is cracking, Kolin!!!!’

‘Oh let me see, Candarel™feathers, pleease’

‘Have you washed, Kolin?’

‘No, my sweet’

‘When you have washed Kolin, then you can approach the nest’

‘Yes, my saccharinity’

Sick

‘Kolin, you smell like sick’
‘Yes darling’
‘Kolin, why do you smell like sick?’
‘Because I have been sicked darling’
‘Oh’
‘Kandy, sweetest?’
‘What’
‘Can I come into the nest?’
‘No’
‘But my honeydrop..’
‘No’
‘But sugarwings, I love you, why can I not come in?’
‘Because there is no bloody room Kolin, that is why. When you find us a bigger nest on a bigger sign, then you can come in- until then - no way’
‘But toffeeclaws...’
‘No Kolin, I am trying to brood the next generation, continue to repopulate the country with the noble Red Kite; I am not going to share with you, your string and a bloody rancid kiddie’
‘Oh, ok saccharine talons, I’ll just wait out here shall I?’