The Kjelling

'So where did you say Kjell was Kolin?'
'Writing'
'He's what?'
'Writing'
'Writing what, writing why, writing how ?'
'Stories about policemen, he said. In woollen jumpers'
'And the why and the how?'
'He says everyone at home is doing it, and he doesn't want to miss out'
'And the how?'
'He has one of those little boxes the drivers have, he talks to it and it makes writing, and sends it somewhere'

Safely home

ἀμμά, ἀμμά! Kant τᾷδε

<Khlaudia virtually tears Kandy’s nest apart trying to get out.>

‘Dharling, dharling, dharling’

‘Gerrofff mum’

‘But DHarling, I khave been bereft without you, my life was over, my heart was broken, my world was grey. Now you are back I am so khappy!!!!’

‘Muuum, stop!’

< Kant disappears once more into a bundle of kite feathers as Potassia and Klimt descend on him in delight>

‘Mr Khaspar, Mr Kholin and Mr Khjell, thank you, thank you thank, I chan’t thank you too many times, I don’t know what to say, I am so khappy!’

Brain Cleaning

‘Kjell says we can stop at the next Services’

‘ mmmrchgh’
‘Kaspar, are you really holding him up with your beak?’

‘mmmpjrh’

‘Gosh, that must be hurting him rather’

‘MMMMFJAJEOFAMGGGHHHHH’

‘Ah, and it’s hurting your beak?

‘MMMMMMMFFFFFFFFKJJJKDFKH!’

‘Well, we’re nearly there now. I must say I didn’t expect him to struggle so much, it was lucky we found all that stripy plastic to wrap him up in’

‘MMPH’

‘Kjell says down there’

‘MMPGH’

<the sounds of a very, very undignified landing>

< Kjell takes off again, and comes back with a bucket full of rather dirty water. He upends it over the heap of feathers and police accident tape that sits between Kaspar and Kolin. There is a lot of noise>

‘Kjell says that should clean his brain out again, they have washed his sense away, and now he has washed their nonsense away’

<The three kites wait while the noise subsides, Kjell then gingerly pecks at the blue and white tape. Eventually Kant, bedraggled and miserable sits in a heap of tape. He cheeps feebly, though it must have been a long time since he was a chick. Kolin affectionately butts beaks with him. Kant cheeps a bit louder, croaks a bit, and then takes a big breath and starts swearing.

Bundle!

A complex tussle of feathers and talons ensues. At some point the Stick of Straightening becomes involved in the bundle, and is then ejected violently. Eventually, a mass of kite rises jerkily up and heads with erratic but gathering speed towards the north.

Brother Kone watches from a nearby bridge. Once the others are out of sight, he flaps slowly down to retrieve the Stick of Straightening. He then returns sadly to his perch on the bridge

Swept Away!

‘There he is Kaspar!’

‘What on earth is he doing with that stick, Kolin?’

'Han rikta in kottar'

‘Kjell says he is putting the cones in straight lines’

‘Oh,..ah’

'Vi maste alla flyga mot honom i en V-formation. Kaspar maste ta hans narmast vagkanten vingen, och du hans offside, och jag kommer att lyfta underifran.'

‘Kjell says you need to grab his wing’

‘Oh, ah. Ok then’

'Gå!!'

<The sound of three kites swooping, one in a precisely controlled, and perfectly judged manoeuvre, two falling over each other after him>

Which strand of pasta?

The three kites reach Spaghetti Junction, and settle near a traffic camera. Kaspar assumes the position. As soon as he is occupied Kolin and Kjell gently preen each other.

'Kafka?'

The camera moves up very slowly, Kaspar hangs on.

'Which bit? where are we going?'

Cone Father II

'wshp n venrt th cn fther'

'A little clearer, young disciple, SING your veneration!'

'wosp n vert th con fathr'

'We can't take the shackles off and give you a new apron until we know you belieeeeve'

Sounds of muffled swearing.

'I Worship And Venerate The Cone Father
I Worship And Venerate The Cone Father
I Worship And Venerate The Cone Father
I Worship And Venerate The Cone Father'

'Ok young disciple, onto the Penances now!'

Sounds of further muffled swearing.

We return to Penrith

The kites turn to the display board, it reads:

SPAGHETTI JUNCTION

Kaspar looks at Kolin, who looks at Kjell. Kjell shrugs, and takes off heading south. The others follow.

Near Penrith on the M6

'Yes I know I am asking again Kafka, but Kolin and Kjell say I have to'

Once again, Kaspar is hanging uncomfortably from his talons, upside down on a traffic camera.

'Well, anyway, he is a big kchick, er chick and they think he was taken by one of the cults, do you know where he could be?

Inevitably, the camera moves up and down, Kaspar falls off.

Catching up

'Så hur hittade du oss?'

Kolin translates :'Er, how did you find us then Kaspar?'

'Oh Kafka tracked you down'


'Oh ah, Kafka, mm.. the cameras, I hadn't thought of that'


Kolin translates for Kjell: 'Hans fru far är en galen kontroll freak som använder kameror för att titta på hela motorvägsnätet'

Kjell stares into the distance, thoughtfully.

'So..er', Kolin starts,'how is Kandy?'


Kaspar looks vaguely puzzled.


'And the chicks?'


Kaspar jumps.


'Oh Kandy! Kara told Klaudia to move in with her after Khant was khidnapped, sorry kidnapped'


'What?!'


'Oh Kafka said he was taken by the Cone Father cult'


'He WHAT?!'


'But Kolin, Kara's got a kiddie!'


'NO!'


Kolin rapidly translates for Kjell.


Kjell looks mildly surprised. As the viewpoint retreats it can be seen that Kolin and Kjell have matching kiddies, on very new, smart leather strings.

Found

Two kites perch side by side on a (vegetation wrapped) standing stone, watching the sun approach setting time..

'Fancy en kanin, älskling?'

'I don't mind if I do, pet. How about the sunny bank again?'

'Ja, jag tror att korta beskurna området i toppen, älskling' 

'Who's that coming up the road?'

'Jag tror att det är hunad en, min söta'

 

'KASPAR!!!'

'KOLINNN!!'

The three kites spend the remaining daylight performing delighted aerobatics, and afterwards go for a rabbit.

*note. Kjell's comments may or may not be translatable, bearing in mind he is Swedish, and the typist is not.

Kafka

Kaspar is hanging upside down looking into a traffic camera.

'Kafka?'

He hangs for a while.

'I feel so stupid doing this. Kafka, I am going to assume you are there'

He shifts his grip, and takes a breath.

'Kafka, I know this is silly but can you find Kolin? Kara says he left with Kjell. I just want to know where he is, and if he is ok'

He shifts his grip again.

'Can you let me know if you heard me?'

The camera moves very slightly up and down. Kaspar falls off.

Oh!

‘Kara?’

‘?’

‘Are you there, my love?’

‘Can you not talk normally Kaspar? What are you, a vole or something?’

‘Oh, sorry darling. Something awful is happening darling’

‘Oh what this time Kaspar? Insufficient grey Citroens on the central reservation?’

‘No, darling ,really awful. I think Kolin is running away’

‘Well, that doesn’t surprise me, has he come to his senses and gone to follow Kjell at last?’

‘Oh’

‘Well what did you expect you idiot, he has that awful domineering Kandy who thinks that the height of class is naming her chicks after menu items in a cafe; he can’t even enter his own nest!’

‘Oh’

‘She is unbearable, he adored her for years and she just treated him like an earthworm’

‘Oh’

‘So it is hardly surprising that he disappears at the first sign of real love, is it- don’t be so bloody dense Kaspar’

‘Oh’

‘And stop saying ‘oh’ like an idiot’

‘yes darling’

‘er darling, what is that on your ankle?’

‘It is my kiddie string Kaspar, don’t be stupid’

Pastures new?

Kolin and Kaspar are perched uncomfortably over a battered book.

‘“Hej härliga kite” that is what he said Kaspar’

‘Ok, slowly Kolin, H, h h h... here it is... Hej means hello, Ha, ha har.. harliga means .. oh. It means ‘lovely’, and kite means kite by the looks of it.’

‘So he said.. “hello lovely kite”’
“I guess so Kolin, I mean I might have got the wrong page or something, we could do it again?’
‘No, Kaspar, that’s fine, thank you’

‘Was there more, Kolin?’
‘Well, he said  “min kärlek” at the end sort of, what about that?’
“Ok,  M M m min, here it is ‘my’, that is quite easy isn’t it, we could have guessed that one eh Kolin?’
‘I guess so Kaspar’
‘Ok K k k kar ..karlek, oh. That means ‘darling’ ‘
‘ So he said, “Kolin, my darling”’
‘Er yes, that appears to be the size of it, sort of, if you see what I mean er..’
‘Which way is north, Kaspar?’
‘Oh along the motorway, but Kolin..’
‘ See you around Kaspar’

Hello, lovely kite.

Add 

© Copyright Robin Stott and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence.

Hej härliga kite (Hello, lovely kite)

Oh hi Kjell, how are you?

Desto bättre för att se att du vacker (All the better for seeing you, gorgeous)

So, what are you up to nowadays then?

Bara väntar på dig att släppa av, sötnos (Just waiting for you to drop by sweetie)

Oh really? That sounds painful?

Ack, om ni bara visste (Ah, if only you knew)

Well, send my love to Annifrid and Agnetha won’t you?

Ah Kolin min kärlek, en dag ska vi flyga iväg tillsammans och du kommer inte längre att tala om Abba, eller IKEA. 
(Ah Kolin my love, one day we'll fly away together and you will no longer talk about Abba, or IKEA.)

Well Kjell, yes you flyga ska too- see you next summer old chap, have an elk on me!