Safely home

ἀμμά, ἀμμά! Kant τᾷδε

<Khlaudia virtually tears Kandy’s nest apart trying to get out.>

‘Dharling, dharling, dharling’

‘Gerrofff mum’

‘But DHarling, I khave been bereft without you, my life was over, my heart was broken, my world was grey. Now you are back I am so khappy!!!!’

‘Muuum, stop!’

< Kant disappears once more into a bundle of kite feathers as Potassia and Klimt descend on him in delight>

‘Mr Khaspar, Mr Kholin and Mr Khjell, thank you, thank you thank, I chan’t thank you too many times, I don’t know what to say, I am so khappy!’

Khlaudia

Potassia, darling, can you find Aunty Khandy for me?

ναι, μάνα,

Sometimes, I don't understand you dharling, just do what Mummy says

εντάξει

Did you find her dharling?

πέταξε μακριά

But the Kchicks?

πέταξαν μέσα κουβέρτα

Oh

άνδρας αρπακτικό πουλί ερχομός

Is khe? Oh khow lovely dharling, let's sit and wait for Mr Khevin then. Where is Khlimt?

παίξιμο συναλλαγή

Are you sure?

ναι, μάνα,

Dho you promise me dharling?

ναι, μάνα,

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At home with Kara

Tack tack tack

'You can't stay'

'But Kara, Klaudia is unbearable, she expects me to wait on her! I am trying to feed my babies, I'm an abandoned mother!'

Tack

'Kara, I know how you feel..'

Tack

'Please, just for a night?'

Sigh.

At home with Khlaudia and Kandy

A warm and very cosy nest.

'Khan you pass me another tissue, dharling?'

'No I bloody can't Klaudia, I'm trying to feed my chicks'

'Kchicks!! Oo Oo Oo I remember when little Klimt and Potassia khad a brother..Oo Oo my life is over'

'Ok, ok here you are, have the bloody box, when is that Kevin visiting?'

'Oh dharling, I dhon't know, khe did say khe would be khere at 2 but khe may khave been khidnapped or khnocked out of the sky or...Oo oo oo'

'I tell you what, I'll just go and see if I can see him shall I?'

Kandy disappears with a large flannel blanket. The sound of muffled cheeps and then much-laboured wing beats is heard above the continual sobbing and wailing.

Khant

Ooh Khandy, have you seen Mr Khevin?

No Klaudia, why?  Look at little Olympic Breakfast ™, aren't her talons growing beautifully?

Yes, they are Khandy, but I need to talk to Mr Khevin, something awful has happened!!!

What, Klaudia? Have you lost a consonant somewhere?

Oh very funny Mrs-no-khusband; I have lost a KCHICK, A KCHICK do you khear me????

What do you mean Mrs-no... A Chick? You have lost a chick? Which one darling?

Just get Mr Khevin, please Khandy. My little Khant... my poor little Khant..

Stay there with the kchc oh damn chicks Klaudia, I'll be back in a minute

Kitelings

‘Khan I come in dharling?’

‘Khlaudia?’

‘Yes, dharling it is me, how did you guess?; I have some mice for you and the little ones’

‘Oh Khlaudia, that is very thoughtful, they are almost chewing my feathers off, do come in’

‘Ooooooooh DHARLING, they are beautiful- you must be soooooo proud, and so relieved.’

‘Relieved?’

‘None of them look like Kholin, dharling, it could have been so awful...’
‘Well, there was..’

‘What are their names dharling? I chan khelp you choose!’

‘Ah, no Khlaudia, they already have names- I picked them out days ago’

‘OOh dho tell dharling, dho tell!!

‘ Well. the little one at the back, he is Sundae Breakfast™, the pretty girl on the left is Omelette Breakfast™, and the big boy at the front is Famous Olympic Breakfast™; aren’t they just perfect?’

‘Very, er innovative dharling, where dhid you get the inspiration for such unusual names?’

‘ Oh I just saw them written down with some pretty pictures somewhere, they were just what I wanted, something different. you know?’

‘ Yes, dharling, they are just that- have you told Kholin?’

‘ No, he still has that stupid toy of his- you know the one I mean?’

‘ I do dharling, I do’

‘ There is no way he is coming near my little darlings with that stinking thing attached to him, they could catch something!’

the M42, it is humid, steamy even.

‘Oh Mister Khevin.. what lovely strong talons you have’

‘Oh, Khlaudia.. what..oh Khlauuudia...’

We return to a cosy nest on the M42

'Well, I must say they are most interesting photographs, especially the ones with the symbols in’
 
‘Ah, little Potassia as a kchick, she was so fluffy- see where kher little wing feathers are growing?’
 
‘And she is..?’
 
‘Looking at kher place in the periodic table silly’
 
‘And the one with the blue lights?’
 
‘That is little Khlimt on khis first flight, you can see Khant in the background, bekhind the man with the khelmet’
 
‘You must be very proud, mada.. Khlaudia’
 
‘I am darling, but I feel they need the influence of a father <theatrical sniff, rustle of feathery décolletage>’

 

M42, Clouds are scudding past

 © Copyright Michael Westley and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence

 

<sound of claw knocking respectfully on road sign>
‘Good morning madam?’
‘Ah good morning, Mr Khevin; do call me Khlaudia <flutter>’
‘And how are the kid <cough> khiddies this morning, madam..Klaud..Khlaudia?’
‘They are delightful, thank you Mr Khevin’
‘Is that them over there? ma..Khlaudia?’
‘Aren’t they just darling, darling? Look at their feathers in the light! Look as the sun khcatches their talons- I am such a proud mother, darling’
‘ What is it they are doing with that lorry Khlaudia?’
‘Oh just a little game, darling’
‘Ah I see, it is like what the roadkill people call dominos, very clever’
‘My darlings are very khlever darling, Can I offer you a little refreshment?’
‘Well, er that would be very..’
‘Khome into my nest darling....’

Morning on the M42, the sun is shining.

‘Khello darling’
‘Sorry miss?’
‘I said, khello darling’
<the unmistakable sound of low cut feathers>
‘ Ah, good morrning, er madam’
‘I khave not seen you khere before, darling, kwhat is your name, gorgeousssss?’
‘Kevin, madam. Is there something I can help you with?’
‘ Well now Mr Khevin, there is this terribly kheavy vole? I khave tried picking it up, but my talons are just too slender’
<sound of fluttering fluff>
‘Oh thank you Mr Khevin, you are adorable, you are the most <giggle> agile flier>
‘Thank you madam, there is no Mr. er..?’
‘Oh no darling, my Kelvin was lost in the Big Cold; I khave been managing all by myself, with my khiddies, since then’
‘Khiddies?’
“Aah yes, little Khlimt, Khant and Potassia’
‘ And you are, madam?’
‘I am Khlaudia darrrrling, soooo pleased to meet you,’’