Khant

'I believe in the cone father'
'yerwhat?'
'I believe in the Cone Father'
'the..?'
"I believe in and venerate the Cone Father'
'You don't mean the cones...'
(in a laboured fashion) I Believe in and Venerate the Cone Father'
'Noooo, waaaaaay'
(with a sigh) I BELIEVE IN AND VENERATE THE CONE FATHER'
(subdued whisper) 'way   innit'
And after me 'I..
'disbelieve and..'
(sound of a beak snapping)
(Sigh) I BELIEVE IN AND VENERATE THE CONE FATHER'
' I blieve n vnrate the confthr'
'Just a bit more distinctly please young Kant'
' I blieve n vnrate the confthr'
' With a bit more clarity?'
'I blieve n vnrate the confthr'
' Ok that will do for today, back to the crate for now'

Just off the M4, a beach

'Yo dude'

'Bore da, Kai the Swoop!'

'Bore da, Kei the Surf!'

'Surf's up dude'

'Yo, let's GO!'

Kafka

Kaspar is hanging upside down looking into a traffic camera.

'Kafka?'

He hangs for a while.

'I feel so stupid doing this. Kafka, I am going to assume you are there'

He shifts his grip, and takes a breath.

'Kafka, I know this is silly but can you find Kolin? Kara says he left with Kjell. I just want to know where he is, and if he is ok'

He shifts his grip again.

'Can you let me know if you heard me?'

The camera moves very slightly up and down. Kaspar falls off.

Khant

Ooh Khandy, have you seen Mr Khevin?

No Klaudia, why?  Look at little Olympic Breakfast ™, aren't her talons growing beautifully?

Yes, they are Khandy, but I need to talk to Mr Khevin, something awful has happened!!!

What, Klaudia? Have you lost a consonant somewhere?

Oh very funny Mrs-no-khusband; I have lost a KCHICK, A KCHICK do you khear me????

What do you mean Mrs-no... A Chick? You have lost a chick? Which one darling?

Just get Mr Khevin, please Khandy. My little Khant... my poor little Khant..

Stay there with the kchc oh damn chicks Klaudia, I'll be back in a minute

Harvey Nicks

er Kara?

Oh what is it Kaspar,can't you see I'm busy?

I was just wondering where you got your kiddie?

Don't be stupid Kaspar.


Sorry, darling.

<sound of pages turning>

Kara?

YES, Kaspar.

Where did you get it darling?

Harvey Nicks you stupid feather-brain. Now leave me in peace to pick it some autumn clothes.


Sorry, darling, some autumn..?

OH FOR GOD'S SAKE KASPAR, IT NEEDS AN AUTUMN/WINTER 11 WARDROBE, JUST LET ME READ THIS BODEN CATALOGUE IN PEACE FOR 10 MINUTES!!!!


yes darling.

Oh!

‘Kara?’

‘?’

‘Are you there, my love?’

‘Can you not talk normally Kaspar? What are you, a vole or something?’

‘Oh, sorry darling. Something awful is happening darling’

‘Oh what this time Kaspar? Insufficient grey Citroens on the central reservation?’

‘No, darling ,really awful. I think Kolin is running away’

‘Well, that doesn’t surprise me, has he come to his senses and gone to follow Kjell at last?’

‘Oh’

‘Well what did you expect you idiot, he has that awful domineering Kandy who thinks that the height of class is naming her chicks after menu items in a cafe; he can’t even enter his own nest!’

‘Oh’

‘She is unbearable, he adored her for years and she just treated him like an earthworm’

‘Oh’

‘So it is hardly surprising that he disappears at the first sign of real love, is it- don’t be so bloody dense Kaspar’

‘Oh’

‘And stop saying ‘oh’ like an idiot’

‘yes darling’

‘er darling, what is that on your ankle?’

‘It is my kiddie string Kaspar, don’t be stupid’

Pastures new?

Kolin and Kaspar are perched uncomfortably over a battered book.

‘“Hej härliga kite” that is what he said Kaspar’

‘Ok, slowly Kolin, H, h h h... here it is... Hej means hello, Ha, ha har.. harliga means .. oh. It means ‘lovely’, and kite means kite by the looks of it.’

‘So he said.. “hello lovely kite”’
“I guess so Kolin, I mean I might have got the wrong page or something, we could do it again?’
‘No, Kaspar, that’s fine, thank you’

‘Was there more, Kolin?’
‘Well, he said  “min kärlek” at the end sort of, what about that?’
“Ok,  M M m min, here it is ‘my’, that is quite easy isn’t it, we could have guessed that one eh Kolin?’
‘I guess so Kaspar’
‘Ok K k k kar ..karlek, oh. That means ‘darling’ ‘
‘ So he said, “Kolin, my darling”’
‘Er yes, that appears to be the size of it, sort of, if you see what I mean er..’
‘Which way is north, Kaspar?’
‘Oh along the motorway, but Kolin..’
‘ See you around Kaspar’