Just off the M4, a beach

'Yo dude'

'Bore da, Kai the Swoop!'

'Bore da, Kei the Surf!'

'Surf's up dude'

'Yo, let's GO!'

Kafka

Kaspar is hanging upside down looking into a traffic camera.

'Kafka?'

He hangs for a while.

'I feel so stupid doing this. Kafka, I am going to assume you are there'

He shifts his grip, and takes a breath.

'Kafka, I know this is silly but can you find Kolin? Kara says he left with Kjell. I just want to know where he is, and if he is ok'

He shifts his grip again.

'Can you let me know if you heard me?'

The camera moves very slightly up and down. Kaspar falls off.

Khant

Ooh Khandy, have you seen Mr Khevin?

No Klaudia, why?  Look at little Olympic Breakfast ™, aren't her talons growing beautifully?

Yes, they are Khandy, but I need to talk to Mr Khevin, something awful has happened!!!

What, Klaudia? Have you lost a consonant somewhere?

Oh very funny Mrs-no-khusband; I have lost a KCHICK, A KCHICK do you khear me????

What do you mean Mrs-no... A Chick? You have lost a chick? Which one darling?

Just get Mr Khevin, please Khandy. My little Khant... my poor little Khant..

Stay there with the kchc oh damn chicks Klaudia, I'll be back in a minute

Harvey Nicks

er Kara?

Oh what is it Kaspar,can't you see I'm busy?

I was just wondering where you got your kiddie?

Don't be stupid Kaspar.


Sorry, darling.

<sound of pages turning>

Kara?

YES, Kaspar.

Where did you get it darling?

Harvey Nicks you stupid feather-brain. Now leave me in peace to pick it some autumn clothes.


Sorry, darling, some autumn..?

OH FOR GOD'S SAKE KASPAR, IT NEEDS AN AUTUMN/WINTER 11 WARDROBE, JUST LET ME READ THIS BODEN CATALOGUE IN PEACE FOR 10 MINUTES!!!!


yes darling.

Oh!

‘Kara?’

‘?’

‘Are you there, my love?’

‘Can you not talk normally Kaspar? What are you, a vole or something?’

‘Oh, sorry darling. Something awful is happening darling’

‘Oh what this time Kaspar? Insufficient grey Citroens on the central reservation?’

‘No, darling ,really awful. I think Kolin is running away’

‘Well, that doesn’t surprise me, has he come to his senses and gone to follow Kjell at last?’

‘Oh’

‘Well what did you expect you idiot, he has that awful domineering Kandy who thinks that the height of class is naming her chicks after menu items in a cafe; he can’t even enter his own nest!’

‘Oh’

‘She is unbearable, he adored her for years and she just treated him like an earthworm’

‘Oh’

‘So it is hardly surprising that he disappears at the first sign of real love, is it- don’t be so bloody dense Kaspar’

‘Oh’

‘And stop saying ‘oh’ like an idiot’

‘yes darling’

‘er darling, what is that on your ankle?’

‘It is my kiddie string Kaspar, don’t be stupid’

Pastures new?

Kolin and Kaspar are perched uncomfortably over a battered book.

‘“Hej härliga kite” that is what he said Kaspar’

‘Ok, slowly Kolin, H, h h h... here it is... Hej means hello, Ha, ha har.. harliga means .. oh. It means ‘lovely’, and kite means kite by the looks of it.’

‘So he said.. “hello lovely kite”’
“I guess so Kolin, I mean I might have got the wrong page or something, we could do it again?’
‘No, Kaspar, that’s fine, thank you’

‘Was there more, Kolin?’
‘Well, he said  “min kärlek” at the end sort of, what about that?’
“Ok,  M M m min, here it is ‘my’, that is quite easy isn’t it, we could have guessed that one eh Kolin?’
‘I guess so Kaspar’
‘Ok K k k kar ..karlek, oh. That means ‘darling’ ‘
‘ So he said, “Kolin, my darling”’
‘Er yes, that appears to be the size of it, sort of, if you see what I mean er..’
‘Which way is north, Kaspar?’
‘Oh along the motorway, but Kolin..’
‘ See you around Kaspar’

Kitelings

‘Khan I come in dharling?’

‘Khlaudia?’

‘Yes, dharling it is me, how did you guess?; I have some mice for you and the little ones’

‘Oh Khlaudia, that is very thoughtful, they are almost chewing my feathers off, do come in’

‘Ooooooooh DHARLING, they are beautiful- you must be soooooo proud, and so relieved.’

‘Relieved?’

‘None of them look like Kholin, dharling, it could have been so awful...’
‘Well, there was..’

‘What are their names dharling? I chan khelp you choose!’

‘Ah, no Khlaudia, they already have names- I picked them out days ago’

‘OOh dho tell dharling, dho tell!!

‘ Well. the little one at the back, he is Sundae Breakfast™, the pretty girl on the left is Omelette Breakfast™, and the big boy at the front is Famous Olympic Breakfast™; aren’t they just perfect?’

‘Very, er innovative dharling, where dhid you get the inspiration for such unusual names?’

‘ Oh I just saw them written down with some pretty pictures somewhere, they were just what I wanted, something different. you know?’

‘ Yes, dharling, they are just that- have you told Kholin?’

‘ No, he still has that stupid toy of his- you know the one I mean?’

‘ I do dharling, I do’

‘ There is no way he is coming near my little darlings with that stinking thing attached to him, they could catch something!’

Oh, that's where you've been

You could have told me, Kaspar.
What is that on your ankle?