KOLLLINNN!

KOLINNNNNNNNNN!’

‘Yes, candytoes?’

‘Something is happening!!!!!’

‘What, maplesyrupbeak?’

‘One of the eggs is cracking, Kolin!!!!’

‘Oh let me see, Candarel™feathers, pleease’

‘Have you washed, Kolin?’

‘No, my sweet’

‘When you have washed Kolin, then you can approach the nest’

‘Yes, my saccharinity’

Sunny, but oddly still dull

-
- 

 ‘Kaspar?’

 ‘No’

-
-
<intake of breath>


'No'

pic © Copyright David P Howard and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence 

The M40, it is a dull day.

‘Kaspar, what about that one?’

‘No Kolin, wrong colour’
 
<pause>
 
‘That one?’
 
‘No Kolin, that one doesn’t have a dent in it’
 
<another pause>
 
‘What..’
 
‘No Kolin, that is a cloud, shut up’

We return to a cosy nest on the M42

'Well, I must say they are most interesting photographs, especially the ones with the symbols in’
 
‘Ah, little Potassia as a kchick, she was so fluffy- see where kher little wing feathers are growing?’
 
‘And she is..?’
 
‘Looking at kher place in the periodic table silly’
 
‘And the one with the blue lights?’
 
‘That is little Khlimt on khis first flight, you can see Khant in the background, bekhind the man with the khelmet’
 
‘You must be very proud, mada.. Khlaudia’
 
‘I am darling, but I feel they need the influence of a father <theatrical sniff, rustle of feathery décolletage>’

 

Hello, lovely kite.

Add 

© Copyright Robin Stott and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence.

Hej härliga kite (Hello, lovely kite)

Oh hi Kjell, how are you?

Desto bättre för att se att du vacker (All the better for seeing you, gorgeous)

So, what are you up to nowadays then?

Bara väntar på dig att släppa av, sötnos (Just waiting for you to drop by sweetie)

Oh really? That sounds painful?

Ack, om ni bara visste (Ah, if only you knew)

Well, send my love to Annifrid and Agnetha won’t you?

Ah Kolin min kärlek, en dag ska vi flyga iväg tillsammans och du kommer inte längre att tala om Abba, eller IKEA. 
(Ah Kolin my love, one day we'll fly away together and you will no longer talk about Abba, or IKEA.)

Well Kjell, yes you flyga ska too- see you next summer old chap, have an elk on me!

M42, Clouds are scudding past

 © Copyright Michael Westley and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence

 

<sound of claw knocking respectfully on road sign>
‘Good morning madam?’
‘Ah good morning, Mr Khevin; do call me Khlaudia <flutter>’
‘And how are the kid <cough> khiddies this morning, madam..Klaud..Khlaudia?’
‘They are delightful, thank you Mr Khevin’
‘Is that them over there? ma..Khlaudia?’
‘Aren’t they just darling, darling? Look at their feathers in the light! Look as the sun khcatches their talons- I am such a proud mother, darling’
‘ What is it they are doing with that lorry Khlaudia?’
‘Oh just a little game, darling’
‘Ah I see, it is like what the roadkill people call dominos, very clever’
‘My darlings are very khlever darling, Can I offer you a little refreshment?’
‘Well, er that would be very..’
‘Khome into my nest darling....’

Sick

‘Kolin, you smell like sick’
‘Yes darling’
‘Kolin, why do you smell like sick?’
‘Because I have been sicked darling’
‘Oh’
‘Kandy, sweetest?’
‘What’
‘Can I come into the nest?’
‘No’
‘But my honeydrop..’
‘No’
‘But sugarwings, I love you, why can I not come in?’
‘Because there is no bloody room Kolin, that is why. When you find us a bigger nest on a bigger sign, then you can come in- until then - no way’
‘But toffeeclaws...’
‘No Kolin, I am trying to brood the next generation, continue to repopulate the country with the noble Red Kite; I am not going to share with you, your string and a bloody rancid kiddie’
‘Oh, ok saccharine talons, I’ll just wait out here shall I?’

Morning on the M42, the sun is shining.

‘Khello darling’
‘Sorry miss?’
‘I said, khello darling’
<the unmistakable sound of low cut feathers>
‘ Ah, good morrning, er madam’
‘I khave not seen you khere before, darling, kwhat is your name, gorgeousssss?’
‘Kevin, madam. Is there something I can help you with?’
‘ Well now Mr Khevin, there is this terribly kheavy vole? I khave tried picking it up, but my talons are just too slender’
<sound of fluttering fluff>
‘Oh thank you Mr Khevin, you are adorable, you are the most <giggle> agile flier>
‘Thank you madam, there is no Mr. er..?’
‘Oh no darling, my Kelvin was lost in the Big Cold; I khave been managing all by myself, with my khiddies, since then’
‘Khiddies?’
“Aah yes, little Khlimt, Khant and Potassia’
‘ And you are, madam?’
‘I am Khlaudia darrrrling, soooo pleased to meet you,’’

Rabbit korma, revisited

<tack tack tack tack tack tack tk tk tkttktktk>

'Ah yes, Kara, here it is, your er.. rabbit korma'

<rustle rustle>
<pause>
<rustle rustle rustle>
<longer pause>

'Kolin, this item is a plastic box that has once contained rabbit korma, and now no longer Contains.Rabbit.Korma'

'Ah, yes Kara, about that little matter..you see Kaspar said he thought it would be a jolly idea to play a little j..'

<Kolin is cut off mid sentence>

'Krrreeeiikkkiiikkkkkkl k k k '

<the sound of feathers upon air, beak upon feathers, rending and swallowing>
<the sound of a sharp intake of breath>
<the sound of vigorous choking>
<pause>
<the sound of a small child attached to a piece of string, attached to the ankle of a red kite, attached to a red kite; being sicked up by a furious but entirely separate red kite>

Rabbit korma

'psst Kaspar'

'krrk'

'Up here! It's Kolin'

'krrk'

'Hold on a minute Kaspar'

<whoosh>

<sound of a plastic windscreen scraper on feathers and tarmac>

<whoosh- thump-sound of squealing tyres>

'Oh very clever Kolin. Do you think it would have been an idea to leave the string, the kiddie and the full bag of shopping behind before you embarked on a daring rescue mission?'

'mmm- yes possibly Kaspar, but..'

'and what the hell is in the bloody shopping bag anyway?'

'Kara's dinner, Kaspar..but..'

'Ah, I see.. ooo yes rabbit korma very nice'

<sound of frenzied tearing of rabbit korma (with naan bread and poppadoms and mango chutney)>

Morning

'Good morning Kara- I was er.. looking for..Kasp...'
<tack>
'Oh, over there? yes I see'
<chilly silence>
'Er, should I scrape him off, do you think?'
<the silence lengthens>
'Er no then, I er..'
<and lengthens>
'I'll be getting along then shall I?'
'Just shut up and get me a rabbit Kolin'
'Oh er yes, right away..er. Kara?'
'YES'
'You're perched on my string, Kara'

Kara, my sweet

<tack tack>

..Kara my sweet? is that you?

<tack tack, tack tack>

...Kara?....darling?....

< tack, tack, tack>

Kara

'KASPAR!!!!!!      '


'KASPARR!!!!!!    '


' You promised me dinner you BASTARD!!!!!!   '


<silence except for the sound of cars>


<very gradually, over the noise of the traffic, the sound of a claw tapping against metal is heard>

<tack tack tack tack tack>

Kara is home.

Warwick

Kolin, what is Kev doing?'

'Search me, Kaspar'

<silence, and then the sound of wings struggling under a heavy load>

'Oh Kevin, not the PRAM, you are supposed to get the baby!!!!'

Hungry

<zzzz>

'Kaspar??'

<zzz> 'What?'

'I'm hungry'

'You know the answer to that one Kolin'

'Will she come back Kaspar?, we can practice the swooping for next time can't we?'

'If, and only IF, you desist from the stupid affectation of the child and the string Kolin'

'But it gave me something to play with Kaspar- it dangled nicely- but I suppose it was a bit of a drag when hunting. What's for breakfast?'

'Rabbit, and rabbit for elevenses, and rabbit for bloody lunch. When we could, Kolin, be feasting on a plump fresh road-kill, full of cake-had you not got stuck to a traffic camera with a piece of bloody string'

Somewhere..

'Kolin! Kolin! She's here!'
'..'
'Oh for god's sake Kolin, get up, she's here!!!'
'mm?'
'Over there, the dark grey one!'
'Oh ah, yes I see, Kaspar'
<sighs> 'Kolin, the plan? surely you remember the plan?'
'Yes, Kaspar, I remember the plan, it's just that..'
'Oh shut up Kolin, she'll be over the hill soon- let's go!!!'

<sounds of feathers against the breeze, and another, as yet unidentifiable sound>

'Ok Kolin, one, two SWOOP, and TWIST and - a little lower, she can't see you there'
'But Kaspar..'
'Kolin will you just SWOOP?!?'
'I keep trying to tell you Kaspar, my string is..'
'YOUR WHAT?'
'er.. my string is caught on the traffic camera'
'your string is caught on the traffic camera...'
'er yes, it got hooked there when I was trying to get the kiddie off the ground at the weekend'
'When you were WHAT?'
'Well I had to get a bit of a flap-up to it, to get some momentum, it is quite a large child, and it got stuck under the camera, and the string got tangled'
'You had to..oh god..'
'I'm sure she'll come  back later Kaspar, we can always have another go, once we have untangled the string'
'Kaspar?'