Kara deals with the chicks

<Kara lands in front of the chicks, she is weighed down with items>

'Right, Famous Olympic Breakfast, this is yours. Learn how to read it today. I will expect you to read it to me tomorrow.'

<She hands the nearest chick a large book- the chick passes it to the chick behind and cheeps at Kara>

'Ok, Sundae Breakfast then, you can have this map. Learn the symbols and what they mean. I will expect you to be able to plan a route for me tomorrow.'

<She hands the chick a GB Road Atlas - the chick passes it to the chick to its left and cheeps again at Kara>

'Ok, ok so you are Omelette Breakfast then?'

'Cheep'

'Then you get the phone. Learn how it works, I want you to be using the internet on it tomorrow.'

'Cheep-cheep'

'No, not using your mother's credit card, she shouldn't have a credit card.'

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Still at home with Kara

<the sound of cheeping, sniffling, and the occasional muffled sob>

tack, tack, tack, tack TACK

<Kara is losing the very small amount of patience that she is endowed with>

'Enough!'

With a swoop she vanishes to the other end of the nest. Kandy looks up in horror.

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And missed again

A small dirty, dark grey Citroen passes down the M40. Nothing happens

Kurt watches it pass, mournfully

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At home with Kara

'Kandy, just leave them. If you respond to every single cheep they will never acheive anything in life. You are nurturing birds of prey, not mice.'

'But they sound so lonely, Kara'

'There are three of them Kandy, they can't be lonely'

'But without their mummy..?'

'Just let them cheep, they will shut up eventually.'

But they may become insecure and damaged and turn into hooligans?

'And if you go to them, they will become insecure and manipulative and turn into hooligans. Just shut up and sit down Kandy!'

<The sound of sniffling mixes with the distant sound of cheeping.>

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Khlaudia

Potassia, darling, can you find Aunty Khandy for me?

ναι, μάνα,

Sometimes, I don't understand you dharling, just do what Mummy says

εντάξει

Did you find her dharling?

πέταξε μακριά

But the Kchicks?

πέταξαν μέσα κουβέρτα

Oh

άνδρας αρπακτικό πουλί ερχομός

Is khe? Oh khow lovely dharling, let's sit and wait for Mr Khevin then. Where is Khlimt?

παίξιμο συναλλαγή

Are you sure?

ναι, μάνα,

Dho you promise me dharling?

ναι, μάνα,

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At home with Kara

Tack tack tack

'You can't stay'

'But Kara, Klaudia is unbearable, she expects me to wait on her! I am trying to feed my babies, I'm an abandoned mother!'

Tack

'Kara, I know how you feel..'

Tack

'Please, just for a night?'

Sigh.

At home with Khlaudia and Kandy

A warm and very cosy nest.

'Khan you pass me another tissue, dharling?'

'No I bloody can't Klaudia, I'm trying to feed my chicks'

'Kchicks!! Oo Oo Oo I remember when little Klimt and Potassia khad a brother..Oo Oo my life is over'

'Ok, ok here you are, have the bloody box, when is that Kevin visiting?'

'Oh dharling, I dhon't know, khe did say khe would be khere at 2 but khe may khave been khidnapped or khnocked out of the sky or...Oo oo oo'

'I tell you what, I'll just go and see if I can see him shall I?'

Kandy disappears with a large flannel blanket. The sound of muffled cheeps and then much-laboured wing beats is heard above the continual sobbing and wailing.

Which strand of pasta?

The three kites reach Spaghetti Junction, and settle near a traffic camera. Kaspar assumes the position. As soon as he is occupied Kolin and Kjell gently preen each other.

'Kafka?'

The camera moves up very slowly, Kaspar hangs on.

'Which bit? where are we going?'

Penances

'Now young disciple, you can start with the First Penance- Alignment of the Cones. The Cone Father is pleased if all his Cones are perfectly aligned. One of the Penitent's duties is to straighten the cones so that they are all in line. I would like you to start with this contraflow'

'But..'

'You have the Stick of Straightening, child. Place the end of the Stick of Straightening into the Oracle Hole at the Skywards end of the Cone. You can then maneuver the Cone until it is in the right position. It takes a little practice' 

Cone Father II

'wshp n venrt th cn fther'

'A little clearer, young disciple, SING your veneration!'

'wosp n vert th con fathr'

'We can't take the shackles off and give you a new apron until we know you belieeeeve'

Sounds of muffled swearing.

'I Worship And Venerate The Cone Father
I Worship And Venerate The Cone Father
I Worship And Venerate The Cone Father
I Worship And Venerate The Cone Father'

'Ok young disciple, onto the Penances now!'

Sounds of further muffled swearing.

We return to Penrith

The kites turn to the display board, it reads:

SPAGHETTI JUNCTION

Kaspar looks at Kolin, who looks at Kjell. Kjell shrugs, and takes off heading south. The others follow.

Near Penrith on the M6

'Yes I know I am asking again Kafka, but Kolin and Kjell say I have to'

Once again, Kaspar is hanging uncomfortably from his talons, upside down on a traffic camera.

'Well, anyway, he is a big kchick, er chick and they think he was taken by one of the cults, do you know where he could be?

Inevitably, the camera moves up and down, Kaspar falls off.

Catching up

'Så hur hittade du oss?'

Kolin translates :'Er, how did you find us then Kaspar?'

'Oh Kafka tracked you down'


'Oh ah, Kafka, mm.. the cameras, I hadn't thought of that'


Kolin translates for Kjell: 'Hans fru far är en galen kontroll freak som använder kameror för att titta på hela motorvägsnätet'

Kjell stares into the distance, thoughtfully.

'So..er', Kolin starts,'how is Kandy?'


Kaspar looks vaguely puzzled.


'And the chicks?'


Kaspar jumps.


'Oh Kandy! Kara told Klaudia to move in with her after Khant was khidnapped, sorry kidnapped'


'What?!'


'Oh Kafka said he was taken by the Cone Father cult'


'He WHAT?!'


'But Kolin, Kara's got a kiddie!'


'NO!'


Kolin rapidly translates for Kjell.


Kjell looks mildly surprised. As the viewpoint retreats it can be seen that Kolin and Kjell have matching kiddies, on very new, smart leather strings.

Found

Two kites perch side by side on a (vegetation wrapped) standing stone, watching the sun approach setting time..

'Fancy en kanin, älskling?'

'I don't mind if I do, pet. How about the sunny bank again?'

'Ja, jag tror att korta beskurna området i toppen, älskling' 

'Who's that coming up the road?'

'Jag tror att det är hunad en, min söta'

 

'KASPAR!!!'

'KOLINNN!!'

The three kites spend the remaining daylight performing delighted aerobatics, and afterwards go for a rabbit.

*note. Kjell's comments may or may not be translatable, bearing in mind he is Swedish, and the typist is not.

Missed

Kaspar hangs dejectedly upside down in front of the camera.

'She'll be back Kas, really she will, what goes up must come down'

'Must come down! Could come down the M1 or the A1 or even <shudders> side roads'

The camera twitches suddenly and rotates to point at the information screen. Kaspar falls off.
Kurt gazes in puzzlement at the display.

'Kaspar, what on earth does that mean?'

'That, idiot, is what I have been waiting for! see you in a week or so'

The information screen reads:
M6, J40, A592 W.

Look!

<Kaspar is still uncomfortable hanging from the camera>

KASPARKasparkasparkaspar!!!

'I'm busy Kurt, don't I look busy?'

'Yes Kurt, but LOOK!'

'At what Kurt'

'You have to at least turn round Kaspar!'

<Kaspar falls off the camera, recovers into a graceful swoop>

'Oh!, why the hell didn't you tell me Kurt?'

'I was .. on never mind'

'Ok, ready- on my signal.. aaannd Swoop and twist and swooop and twist'

'I see she hasn't washed it, Kaspar'

'Shut up and swoop, idiot'

A pinny?

'So, like, why do I have to wear this?'
'It is what everyone wears, my child'
'So, like, why do I have to wear it?'
'Because, it is what everyo..'
'Yeah-like, I'm not evrywn, innit KRRK?'
'My child, you most certainly are like all of us. Breathe it in, feel the one-ness, Feel the unity, FEEL THE SWOOOOOP'
'Yeah, right mate'
'FEEL THE SWOOOOP CHILD'
'I'm not sure I want to feel it mate, like, I'll be back in a minute, mate, ..like..innit?'
'You must feel THE POWER OF THE SWOOP and the anklet CHILD'
'Yis mate, back in a tick, trust me'
A hasty but strained, flutter of feathers is heard, interspersed with the sound of an anklet being sharply chewed off.

Khant

'I believe in the cone father'
'yerwhat?'
'I believe in the Cone Father'
'the..?'
"I believe in and venerate the Cone Father'
'You don't mean the cones...'
(in a laboured fashion) I Believe in and Venerate the Cone Father'
'Noooo, waaaaaay'
(with a sigh) I BELIEVE IN AND VENERATE THE CONE FATHER'
(subdued whisper) 'way   innit'
And after me 'I..
'disbelieve and..'
(sound of a beak snapping)
(Sigh) I BELIEVE IN AND VENERATE THE CONE FATHER'
' I blieve n vnrate the confthr'
'Just a bit more distinctly please young Kant'
' I blieve n vnrate the confthr'
' With a bit more clarity?'
'I blieve n vnrate the confthr'
' Ok that will do for today, back to the crate for now'

Just off the M4, a beach

'Yo dude'

'Bore da, Kai the Swoop!'

'Bore da, Kei the Surf!'

'Surf's up dude'

'Yo, let's GO!'

Kafka

Kaspar is hanging upside down looking into a traffic camera.

'Kafka?'

He hangs for a while.

'I feel so stupid doing this. Kafka, I am going to assume you are there'

He shifts his grip, and takes a breath.

'Kafka, I know this is silly but can you find Kolin? Kara says he left with Kjell. I just want to know where he is, and if he is ok'

He shifts his grip again.

'Can you let me know if you heard me?'

The camera moves very slightly up and down. Kaspar falls off.

Khant

Ooh Khandy, have you seen Mr Khevin?

No Klaudia, why?  Look at little Olympic Breakfast ™, aren't her talons growing beautifully?

Yes, they are Khandy, but I need to talk to Mr Khevin, something awful has happened!!!

What, Klaudia? Have you lost a consonant somewhere?

Oh very funny Mrs-no-khusband; I have lost a KCHICK, A KCHICK do you khear me????

What do you mean Mrs-no... A Chick? You have lost a chick? Which one darling?

Just get Mr Khevin, please Khandy. My little Khant... my poor little Khant..

Stay there with the kchc oh damn chicks Klaudia, I'll be back in a minute

Harvey Nicks

er Kara?

Oh what is it Kaspar,can't you see I'm busy?

I was just wondering where you got your kiddie?

Don't be stupid Kaspar.


Sorry, darling.

<sound of pages turning>

Kara?

YES, Kaspar.

Where did you get it darling?

Harvey Nicks you stupid feather-brain. Now leave me in peace to pick it some autumn clothes.


Sorry, darling, some autumn..?

OH FOR GOD'S SAKE KASPAR, IT NEEDS AN AUTUMN/WINTER 11 WARDROBE, JUST LET ME READ THIS BODEN CATALOGUE IN PEACE FOR 10 MINUTES!!!!


yes darling.

Oh!

‘Kara?’

‘?’

‘Are you there, my love?’

‘Can you not talk normally Kaspar? What are you, a vole or something?’

‘Oh, sorry darling. Something awful is happening darling’

‘Oh what this time Kaspar? Insufficient grey Citroens on the central reservation?’

‘No, darling ,really awful. I think Kolin is running away’

‘Well, that doesn’t surprise me, has he come to his senses and gone to follow Kjell at last?’

‘Oh’

‘Well what did you expect you idiot, he has that awful domineering Kandy who thinks that the height of class is naming her chicks after menu items in a cafe; he can’t even enter his own nest!’

‘Oh’

‘She is unbearable, he adored her for years and she just treated him like an earthworm’

‘Oh’

‘So it is hardly surprising that he disappears at the first sign of real love, is it- don’t be so bloody dense Kaspar’

‘Oh’

‘And stop saying ‘oh’ like an idiot’

‘yes darling’

‘er darling, what is that on your ankle?’

‘It is my kiddie string Kaspar, don’t be stupid’

Pastures new?

Kolin and Kaspar are perched uncomfortably over a battered book.

‘“Hej härliga kite” that is what he said Kaspar’

‘Ok, slowly Kolin, H, h h h... here it is... Hej means hello, Ha, ha har.. harliga means .. oh. It means ‘lovely’, and kite means kite by the looks of it.’

‘So he said.. “hello lovely kite”’
“I guess so Kolin, I mean I might have got the wrong page or something, we could do it again?’
‘No, Kaspar, that’s fine, thank you’

‘Was there more, Kolin?’
‘Well, he said  “min kärlek” at the end sort of, what about that?’
“Ok,  M M m min, here it is ‘my’, that is quite easy isn’t it, we could have guessed that one eh Kolin?’
‘I guess so Kaspar’
‘Ok K k k kar ..karlek, oh. That means ‘darling’ ‘
‘ So he said, “Kolin, my darling”’
‘Er yes, that appears to be the size of it, sort of, if you see what I mean er..’
‘Which way is north, Kaspar?’
‘Oh along the motorway, but Kolin..’
‘ See you around Kaspar’

Kitelings

‘Khan I come in dharling?’

‘Khlaudia?’

‘Yes, dharling it is me, how did you guess?; I have some mice for you and the little ones’

‘Oh Khlaudia, that is very thoughtful, they are almost chewing my feathers off, do come in’

‘Ooooooooh DHARLING, they are beautiful- you must be soooooo proud, and so relieved.’

‘Relieved?’

‘None of them look like Kholin, dharling, it could have been so awful...’
‘Well, there was..’

‘What are their names dharling? I chan khelp you choose!’

‘Ah, no Khlaudia, they already have names- I picked them out days ago’

‘OOh dho tell dharling, dho tell!!

‘ Well. the little one at the back, he is Sundae Breakfast™, the pretty girl on the left is Omelette Breakfast™, and the big boy at the front is Famous Olympic Breakfast™; aren’t they just perfect?’

‘Very, er innovative dharling, where dhid you get the inspiration for such unusual names?’

‘ Oh I just saw them written down with some pretty pictures somewhere, they were just what I wanted, something different. you know?’

‘ Yes, dharling, they are just that- have you told Kholin?’

‘ No, he still has that stupid toy of his- you know the one I mean?’

‘ I do dharling, I do’

‘ There is no way he is coming near my little darlings with that stinking thing attached to him, they could catch something!’

Oh, that's where you've been

You could have told me, Kaspar.
What is that on your ankle?

Tack tack tack

Kaspar?

Marshmallowings

‘Kandy my love?’

<happy sigh>
 
‘Yes, Kolin’

‘Can I come in? My marshmallowings?, Can I?’

<happy sigh>
 
‘Of course you can darling, they are <big sigh> gorgeous’

‘Oh thank you liquorice-tail, thank you’

<chilly silence>
 
‘What is that piece of string Kolin?’

‘But darling they are beautiful’

<very very chilly silence>
 
‘I said, What Is That Piece of  String, And Why Is It Attached To Your Ankle? Kolin’

“That’s my kiddie, Kandy; don’t you remember? <hurriedly> What shall we call them, fructose-feathers? ’

‘They have names Kolin, they also have a home, you do not. OUT!’

‘But my sucrosity, let me explain..’
 
‘OUT. NOW’

Honeytalons?

‘KOLLINNNNNN’

‘Yes, honeytalons?

‘Something has happened’

‘What had happened, my fudgefeathers?’

‘Three things, Kolin, they’re... beautiful...’

‘Can I see? Candyflossclaws? please?’

‘Have you washed Kolin?’

‘I’m going now my toffeedropness- back in a second’

the M42, it is humid, steamy even.

‘Oh Mister Khevin.. what lovely strong talons you have’

‘Oh, Khlaudia.. what..oh Khlauuudia...’

Grey

‘Kaspar?’

‘No, GREY, I said’

‘Ok’

KOLLLINNN!

KOLINNNNNNNNNN!’

‘Yes, candytoes?’

‘Something is happening!!!!!’

‘What, maplesyrupbeak?’

‘One of the eggs is cracking, Kolin!!!!’

‘Oh let me see, Candarel™feathers, pleease’

‘Have you washed, Kolin?’

‘No, my sweet’

‘When you have washed Kolin, then you can approach the nest’

‘Yes, my saccharinity’

Sunny, but oddly still dull

-
- 

 ‘Kaspar?’

 ‘No’

-
-
<intake of breath>


'No'

pic © Copyright David P Howard and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence 

The M40, it is a dull day.

‘Kaspar, what about that one?’

‘No Kolin, wrong colour’
 
<pause>
 
‘That one?’
 
‘No Kolin, that one doesn’t have a dent in it’
 
<another pause>
 
‘What..’
 
‘No Kolin, that is a cloud, shut up’

We return to a cosy nest on the M42

'Well, I must say they are most interesting photographs, especially the ones with the symbols in’
 
‘Ah, little Potassia as a kchick, she was so fluffy- see where kher little wing feathers are growing?’
 
‘And she is..?’
 
‘Looking at kher place in the periodic table silly’
 
‘And the one with the blue lights?’
 
‘That is little Khlimt on khis first flight, you can see Khant in the background, bekhind the man with the khelmet’
 
‘You must be very proud, mada.. Khlaudia’
 
‘I am darling, but I feel they need the influence of a father <theatrical sniff, rustle of feathery décolletage>’

 

Hello, lovely kite.

Add 

© Copyright Robin Stott and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence.

Hej härliga kite (Hello, lovely kite)

Oh hi Kjell, how are you?

Desto bättre för att se att du vacker (All the better for seeing you, gorgeous)

So, what are you up to nowadays then?

Bara väntar på dig att släppa av, sötnos (Just waiting for you to drop by sweetie)

Oh really? That sounds painful?

Ack, om ni bara visste (Ah, if only you knew)

Well, send my love to Annifrid and Agnetha won’t you?

Ah Kolin min kärlek, en dag ska vi flyga iväg tillsammans och du kommer inte längre att tala om Abba, eller IKEA. 
(Ah Kolin my love, one day we'll fly away together and you will no longer talk about Abba, or IKEA.)

Well Kjell, yes you flyga ska too- see you next summer old chap, have an elk on me!

M42, Clouds are scudding past

 © Copyright Michael Westley and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence

 

<sound of claw knocking respectfully on road sign>
‘Good morning madam?’
‘Ah good morning, Mr Khevin; do call me Khlaudia <flutter>’
‘And how are the kid <cough> khiddies this morning, madam..Klaud..Khlaudia?’
‘They are delightful, thank you Mr Khevin’
‘Is that them over there? ma..Khlaudia?’
‘Aren’t they just darling, darling? Look at their feathers in the light! Look as the sun khcatches their talons- I am such a proud mother, darling’
‘ What is it they are doing with that lorry Khlaudia?’
‘Oh just a little game, darling’
‘Ah I see, it is like what the roadkill people call dominos, very clever’
‘My darlings are very khlever darling, Can I offer you a little refreshment?’
‘Well, er that would be very..’
‘Khome into my nest darling....’

Sick

‘Kolin, you smell like sick’
‘Yes darling’
‘Kolin, why do you smell like sick?’
‘Because I have been sicked darling’
‘Oh’
‘Kandy, sweetest?’
‘What’
‘Can I come into the nest?’
‘No’
‘But my honeydrop..’
‘No’
‘But sugarwings, I love you, why can I not come in?’
‘Because there is no bloody room Kolin, that is why. When you find us a bigger nest on a bigger sign, then you can come in- until then - no way’
‘But toffeeclaws...’
‘No Kolin, I am trying to brood the next generation, continue to repopulate the country with the noble Red Kite; I am not going to share with you, your string and a bloody rancid kiddie’
‘Oh, ok saccharine talons, I’ll just wait out here shall I?’

Morning on the M42, the sun is shining.

‘Khello darling’
‘Sorry miss?’
‘I said, khello darling’
<the unmistakable sound of low cut feathers>
‘ Ah, good morrning, er madam’
‘I khave not seen you khere before, darling, kwhat is your name, gorgeousssss?’
‘Kevin, madam. Is there something I can help you with?’
‘ Well now Mr Khevin, there is this terribly kheavy vole? I khave tried picking it up, but my talons are just too slender’
<sound of fluttering fluff>
‘Oh thank you Mr Khevin, you are adorable, you are the most <giggle> agile flier>
‘Thank you madam, there is no Mr. er..?’
‘Oh no darling, my Kelvin was lost in the Big Cold; I khave been managing all by myself, with my khiddies, since then’
‘Khiddies?’
“Aah yes, little Khlimt, Khant and Potassia’
‘ And you are, madam?’
‘I am Khlaudia darrrrling, soooo pleased to meet you,’’

Rabbit korma, revisited

<tack tack tack tack tack tack tk tk tkttktktk>

'Ah yes, Kara, here it is, your er.. rabbit korma'

<rustle rustle>
<pause>
<rustle rustle rustle>
<longer pause>

'Kolin, this item is a plastic box that has once contained rabbit korma, and now no longer Contains.Rabbit.Korma'

'Ah, yes Kara, about that little matter..you see Kaspar said he thought it would be a jolly idea to play a little j..'

<Kolin is cut off mid sentence>

'Krrreeeiikkkiiikkkkkkl k k k '

<the sound of feathers upon air, beak upon feathers, rending and swallowing>
<the sound of a sharp intake of breath>
<the sound of vigorous choking>
<pause>
<the sound of a small child attached to a piece of string, attached to the ankle of a red kite, attached to a red kite; being sicked up by a furious but entirely separate red kite>

Rabbit korma

'psst Kaspar'

'krrk'

'Up here! It's Kolin'

'krrk'

'Hold on a minute Kaspar'

<whoosh>

<sound of a plastic windscreen scraper on feathers and tarmac>

<whoosh- thump-sound of squealing tyres>

'Oh very clever Kolin. Do you think it would have been an idea to leave the string, the kiddie and the full bag of shopping behind before you embarked on a daring rescue mission?'

'mmm- yes possibly Kaspar, but..'

'and what the hell is in the bloody shopping bag anyway?'

'Kara's dinner, Kaspar..but..'

'Ah, I see.. ooo yes rabbit korma very nice'

<sound of frenzied tearing of rabbit korma (with naan bread and poppadoms and mango chutney)>